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If Only You Knew

So we hadn't seen each other for a while
The past kept on keeping us apart
I just didn't realise the past
And my anger for I felt you let happened
Would mean we could never ever speak again

They told me that you were dying
And all I heard was the unresolved
If only I could have known how I would feel
After you died and it was to late
The past would have melted away

Even when told
I didn't really know
Only when I tried to buy some flowers for you
Did the truth begin to rip me apart inside

Every word that went unsaid
Kept me from you
Regret began to sneak in between my tears
And I never imagined
I would never escape that empty feeling
When there is nothing you can do

As I dressed in my suit
White shirt black tie
I still found it hard to accept
The impossibility to make all right

Then as the hurst drew up
Your coffin came into view
The haze of what I did not want to see
Cleared
Your death
Beyond any desperate attempt of denial

An expert in crying from fear
From the years I blamed you for
But the tears from losing you
Hurt more than any punch I had worn

Beyond my own pain
I cannot remember much more
Because from the first moment I saw your coffin
Every year before in a moment endured

With the death of a link
To the memory of so many horrible years
As I threw earth on your coffin
Those years didn't disappear

Regret that has nowhere to go
With all roads permanently closed
Bleeds all the years
That were cried before
I just hope
That one day my bleeding for what I didn't do
May fade as I think of you

So now I get to come and see you
From time to time at your grave
But you can't explain
Why you let
What did
I can't explain
What I felt
As a frightened little kid

And more than all I want
To tell you what you did wrong
I desperately want to let you know
How much
I love you

If only you knew.

Christopher Wellbelove
29 September 2007

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